I May Not Know What, but I Know ‘Not This’

Right now I don’t know, but I know enough to know ‘not this’. Have you been there? I’m searching, I’m pondering, I’m feeling a little lost. I’m listening to what I’m feeling inside. I’m feeling antsy, yes, but I’m feeling guided, and that feels so lucky. 

I am moving on without a plan. Well, I have a plan: to move on. Though, to where, with whom, doing what - the universe knows. I don’t. But I’m feeling guided, and that feels so lucky. 

I have shared countless laughs and lessons in the place I’m leaving. A myriad of emotions light and heavy. Conversations that have soothed me and those that have singed almost every light within me. I’ve been given to generously and stiffed. I’ve been encouraged, complimented, shoo’d and shunned. I’ve taken notes of who I’d like to be and who I vow to never be from those I spent time around. I can’t say where I’ll go next. I can’t say exactly who I’ll be. But I’m feeling guided, and that feels so lucky. 

In the next place I’ll shine. I’ll grow, learn, and fail a little bit. I will be brand new. I will show up big and try hard, too. I will ask questions. I will observe and learn from the big fish - jargon, etiquette, tactics: all the best ‘how-to’s. Man, I am eager. I’m putting myself out there. I have endured rejection. “Redirection, Sweet Girl.” the Universe whispers. I *eyeroll*, then I repeat the mantra. Over and over again. Redirection is getting a little heavy. Luckily, I’m strong. Sure, I’m starting to question some things. But I’m feeling guided, and that feels so lucky. 

To my future self, the one with hindsight, a place, a plan, and answers: it was redirection, wasn’t it? You are shining, aren’t you? You have tried hard, failed, and learned, right? Perhaps it was not linear, but you knew. You heard your own voice, you listened, and that feels oh so lucky.